reflections

on new ways of being

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged. Call it disinterest, call it laziness, call it being too busy; call it whatever you think is the best approximation of the balance between not caring to bare one’s soul to the world and working hard to have a life worth talking about. I call it just taking a break.

Since the new year began, so much has changed. I was going to say that so much has “happened,” but most of the trauma and betrayal and heartache existed because I put myself in a position to be traumatized and betrayed and have my heart broken. Along the way I wondered why “bad” things always seem to “happen” to me, but at some point I just had to reframe my life. Not to absolve anyone of the damage they’ve caused; that’s his mess to live with (and the less-generous aspect of my being hopes he has to stew in the mess, but I’m not betting on it; he’s a good liar, that one). But, rather, I can put aside what he did and focus on the fact that I saw the signs along the way but chose to ignore them… and was hurt as a result. That isn’t just something that “happens,” but a decision I made at some point—just like how when Jack told me the alcohol I smelled on his breath was Listerine and my response was “you should get a different mouthwash lest someone think you’ve relapsed” instead of acknowledging the truth (which I “knew”—I just didn’t want to admit it).

In any case, my life today barely resembles my life on Jan. 1; I’m in a different job, a different apartment (in a different neighborhood, nearly as far south in Manhattan as I used to be north), a different set of relationships (both romantic and Platonic). I also feel more grounded and settled, even though there at least 100 things weighing on my mind at any given moment. But walking to and from work, taking photos along the way, helps ease the mind. I barely use the subway anymore; I walk nearly everywhere, and I stop to pay attention to what I’m seeing. And I’m meditating, in ways both big and small, which has had a tremendous impact on my ability to cope with stress (and, boy, do I have a lot of it).

As a result I find myself able to forge new friendships, start dating again (an act of faith if ever there were one), be a good employee and mother and daughter, and view my existence in the world as a blessing. More important, I’m able to see things for what they are rather than what I want them to be, which is a gift in itself, as it helps me avoid pain and disappointment and bring honesty and integrity into all of my interactions.

There’s no real point to this post, other than to remind myself that I’m making progress in life, that I’m okay and always will be (and always have been). I’m learning how, in program parlance, to wear life like a loose garment; it fits well. I wish I’d put it on long ago.

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