fear, freaking out, moods

feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place

Got a call today for a teaching job… that starts Tuesday evening.

The problem? I don’t yet have a way figured out to get back from Chicago after the custody hearing Tuesday morning.

See, I was supposed to have $150 deposited into my bank account today, two weeks of unemployment benefits. And I was going to use that to buy a one-way plane ticket.

Except when I went to certify on Tuesday, the system wouldn’t let me. It claimed I’d gone back to work (news to me). It took hours to contact IDES to get them to look into it. And it was Wednesday afternoon until they fixed the problem. But because my “day” to certify is Tuesday, I can’t certify on Wednesday. I had to wait until today. And it takes two business days for the money to show up in my account. And Monday is a holiday.

You get the picture.

I’m trying to find a buyer for my dining room set in Chicago. It’s really the only thing of value I have left. Well, I have an expensive lithograph that is probably worth a couple thousand dollars, but it’s from an Objectivist painter whose work appeals mostly to other Objectivists and, besides, selling art takes time in a way that selling furniture does not.

I’m just so tired of all the juggling, of figuring out what next to sell, keeping track of who buys what on what days (I won’t be in Chicago on the days most bookstores buy, so that’s out of the question), and being so crushed by life so thoroughly all of the time.

It doesn’t help that I have massive PMS or that I’m trying to move all of the things I have in NYC from Brooklyn to Harlem in the next 36 hours and clean the Brooklyn apartment and do laundry and give the diabetic cats their shots Friday night and Saturday morning and get on a train with my kids by 3:45pm Saturday.

I don’t even know how I’m going to get my ticket back to NYC and the one job opportunity I’ve had since moving here is dependent on that. BUT getting up to the Bronx (where the job would be, 1.5 hrs away) tomorrow is really stressing me out, too: I have so much to do before leaving Saturday and I actually did want to spend time with the boys outside of cleaning. But I also feel that I’m less of a person if I don’t jump at every opportunity that comes up.

So my options are to either (a) cancel the interview and be able to get everything done without killing myself and actually spend time with the boys but then not have a Tuesday-night teaching job in the Bronx or (b) go to the interview and be stressed getting everything done and not be able to spend (quality) time with the boys but get that teaching job in the Bronx, which in turn means I’m rushing from court to the airport on Tuesday and going straight from LGA to the Bronx to teach.

I can either be in exactly the same stressful situation I’m already in, or I can throw myself into a whole heap of additional stress so I can make a little bit of money doing a lot of work.

And while it may sound like I’ve made up my mind, I haven’t. I’m torturing myself trying to Do The Right Thing. And I just don’t know what that is. I guess I’ll sleep on it.