old (2010), Uncategorized


It’s a new year, a new opportunity to make different choices and experience a variety of things no one — least of all ourselves — could have imagined. This year will be the first full one I’ve lived without Jack, the first time I’ll mark the anniversary of his death in years rather than weeks or months (or days). It’s an opportunity, albeit one made convenient by a calendar, for me to move forward: new loves, new attitudes, a new appreciation for the process of painstakingly climbing out of an abyss (which, much to my surprise, I seem to have done).

Though I have hopes and wishes and even fantasies, like everyone else, I also have learned that what I want and what I receive are often different things. As this new year dawns, I know what is on the horizon, but I do not know what lies beyond. There are many things in my life I do not and will not mention here (though I do write about them, privately); it makes no sense to wear my heart not only on my sleeve but also in cyberspace. One relationship, in both life and death, splayed out here is enough for me, and at times even that’s been too much.

The only things I know for sure: I will do the best I can, and those who love me will find that sufficient; I will continue to discover and reap the blessings of grace; and life will unfold the way it will unfold whether I put my two cents in or not. In short: life will continue to happen in 2011, and — at least today — I’m okay with that.

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