old (2010), Uncategorized

parachutes

I should know by now that it’s when grieving seems distant that the biggest bumps in the road are just up ahead. I should also know that, at this point, grief is as much about fear of not getting what I want/need/expect in the future as it is about missing Jack.

Tonight I got in an argument over something stupid with The Philosopher. And after the argument, he closed the door (we were talking in his foyer) and went back to his life — (my) two children, a fiancee, a dog, three cats, all enclosed in a warm cozy home. That used to be my life, from which I willingly and happily walked away. I don’t envy his fiancee, and I don’t want that life back (though I wouldn’t mind more time with my children).

What I envy is being able to share things with someone — not only the good times but especially the bad. Having friends to talk with about things is helpful, but it isn’t the same as opening up to someone who love with all your heart who will hold you and rub your back while you fall asleep and let it all go. And when I got home, I decided to bake some cookies to take to a meeting and listen to the end of Coldplay’s Parachutes. Everything’s Not Lost was the first song that came on after the cookies were in the oven:

When I counted up my demons
Saw there was one for every day
With the good ones on my shoulders
I drove the other ones away

So if you ever feel neglected
And if you think that all is lost
I’ll be counting up my demons, yeah
Hoping everything’s not lost

When you thought that it was over
You could feel it all around
And everybody’s out to get you
Don’t you let it drag you down

‘Cos if you ever feel neglected
And if you think that all is lost
I’ll be counting up my demons, yeah
Hoping everything’s not lost

If you ever feel neglected
If you think that all is lost
I’ll be counting up my demons, yeah
Hoping everything’s not lost

And as if that weren’t enough, the hidden track Life is for Living came on:

Now I never meant
To do you wrong
That’s what I came here to say

But if I was wrong
Then I’m sorry
I don’t let it stand in our way

As my head just aches
When I think of
The things that I shouldn’t have done

But, life is for living
We all know
And I don’t wanna live it alone

Cause in the end
there’s only us
And oh my friend
There’s only love

And in the cave
They’re timing us
Cause in the end
There’s only love

I don’t believe much in God moments, though I’ve certainly had them happen often enough that I should. Regardless, when that hidden track came on, it felt as though Jack was right there with me, not physically but spiritually. I don’t know if I was hallucinating or what, but I swear the words were ones he was speaking to me, telling me I was going to be okay, telling me that he didn’t mean to hurt me so much and wanted me to be happy. And I lost it… because I miss him so, so much. And because I want so much to find — one day, I hope, maybe — even just a fraction of what I felt when I was with him. And as hard as it has been to grieve, it’s even harder to let go of the idea of Jack, the idea that he was all I will ever have, the idea that I had my chance and lost it and now it’s gone forever.

The hard part, today, is knowing that in order to move forward I have to let go of all of those things. And it’s a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. Most things are, though. Most things are.

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