it gets worse

His friends took JS to detox this afternoon, after having him drink an entire bottle of booze just to make sure he was good and out of it before taking him to the hospital. This I don’t understand, but I’ve also never experienced the dubious honor of dealing with a low-bottom drunk. And it turns out he’s been drinking for two months — if we can even believe that — and none of us had a clue. It’s easy, I think, to start blaming myself, asking how I could have missed this, telling myself I should have noticed something.

But all of that is quite ridiculous — this is a disease, this is what it does to people, and this is how it works. JS will either get sober or he won’t. The past few months? They’re gone, and I’ll never get them back. The pain of this loss is incredibly deep and powerful, and I’m tired of people telling me they understand. Sure, they understand what it’s like to have a friend relapse, or a brother, or a mother — but a romantic partner? Someone who promised you the sun and the moon and said he’d take care of you? Someone who wanted — just three days ago! — to hop off the “L” two stations too early to walk to city hall to get married? Well, some people know that pain, but most don’t. At least not the people who go to the meetings I go to… the people there are mostly the men who CAUSE this sort of chaos and pain, and to be honest I don’t really care to hear their perspective right now. It feels too much like they’re making excuses for JS, and I don’t want to hear excuses or explanations or rationalizations. I’M IN PAIN.

The only hope I have right now lies in the fact that I’ve been through someone I love relapsing before, which tells me I can do it again. This is familiar territory, albeit one I would never have chosen to traverse a second time. What I wish is that I could press a fast-forward button that would take me to the other side of this, and I’m angry that such a thing is impossible. Instead, all I can do is take care of myself: force myself to eat and stay hydrated and put one foot in front of the other. Because when it comes down to it, I can either join JS or beat him, and I’d rather die trying to beat him than sink down to that level. Why, though, does it have to be so damn hard?


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