My sponsor called last night when I was already in bed, but (as everyone knows) I sleep with my phone about two inches away from my head (hey, you never know when someone is going to need to talk!), and so I answered, and we talked for the better part of an hour — she wanted some clarification about my worries and fears surrounding J., and I think we both went to sleep with a better idea of what needs to be done.
Honestly, I don’t know whether I’ll break up with J. What I do know: my needs are not getting met. And I believe I’m making progress because, while in the past I would have said that as some sort of accusation, today it’s just a fact. He may or may not be able to meet my needs, but — as is usually my pattern — I’ve fallen into a trap of worrying only about his needs and wants and letting mine fall by the wayside. I think J. and I have very different conceptions of where we should be at this point in our relationship, and while (until now) I’ve put my ideas on hold to see if some compromise could be made, he’s not budging — and what I consider to be a holding pattern is exactly where he wants to be, leaving me feeling taken for granted and unfulfilled.
And so? I’m figuring out a way to talk to him about taking a break so I can get my house (and thoughts) in order and get back on track re: my sobriety — and he can do the same. He’s been sponsorless for over a month now, and he surely has enough going on that he needs to straighten out before we can even think about what’s possible (or not). At this point, I’m fairly certain I’d like for us to go back to being good friends — and, honestly, that’s pretty much what we are now, since our physical interaction for the past few weeks has been limited to good-night kisses and hugs (and fairly chaste ones, at that).
I suppose this means I’m pausing. The down side is that pausing isn’t a very comfortable action for me (yet). The up side? Perhaps I’ll get my closets cleaned out before the end of December. Namaste.