old (2008), Uncategorized

wednesday morning thoughts

I’ve only been to one meeting in the past eight days, but I feel surprisingly okay; however, I do NOT think I would be okay if I were in Chicago under the same circumstances. I suppose this is because Chicago is not only where I got sober, but where I “turned” alcoholic, whereas NYC is a place where I’ve always felt about nine years old — not in the sense that I’m a fumbling idiot who can’t figure out a subway map, but in that sense of constant incredulousness and capacity for wonder and folly that we all tend to lose when we grow up. When I’ve got that, why on Earth would I possibly want to drink? And I don’t.

This doesn’t mean I don’t think I need the program anymore — I totally do! I know this! — but that I do know I can be okay by doing the right things (meditating, talking to people in the program, doing my daily readings, praying, being mindful, etc.) when I can’t make it to a meeting.

***

On a similar note, something has shifted in my perception of this city. I’ve tended to walk around and wallow in the realization that this is only a place I visit, and it will continue to be a place I can only visit for some time to come. [At the very least, I have to stay in Chicago until Renegade finishes high school, which is five years from now.] But two things occurred to me yesterday as I was walking twenty blocks round-trip to buy a cupcake and a slice of pizza (NYC does that sort of thing to my capacity for rational decision-making):

  1. Since my job allows me to work from wherever I want, there is nothing stopping me from spending my entire summers in NYC from now until when I can actually move here for good; and
  2. Having these positive feelings about this city should serve as an impetus for taking the steps to reach my goal of moving here: streamlining my life, saving up enough money, and generally cultivating the sort of artistic/writerly inner life that I’d want before making the move.

And so I feel less depressed about this situation now. The end goal? Moving to NYC. The interim goal? Spending my summers — and vacations, and random weekends, and lots of other times — in NYC. I can’t think of a better compromise.

***

I wanted to wake up early this morning (ha!) and walk around Central Park, but it’s not working out that way (surprise, surprise). So, instead… I’m working at the hotel a bit, getting ready to eat a yummy breakfast (granola, soy yogurt, fresh blueberries, watermelon, and coffee), then grabbing my bags to head to Sheep Meadow for relaxing in the sun and book-reading before traveling to my next hotel in Tribeca. And later tonight? It’s Wilco in Brooklyn. Yay!

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