old (2008), Uncategorized

resisting torture

Talking with an old-timer today, he says, “It isn’t that you deserve better (though you do). It is that these are the consequences of your mistakes.” This is the same person who, a little less than three weeks ago, said, “You are wasting your time with that guy. He is going to hurt you,” and I’d shrugged him off thinking, “What could possibly happen?” And I suppose it is true that I have a forgiving little girl who lives inside of me and foolishly thinks I can meet an ex-con who has spent the past five years in prison and rehab and half-way houses and think, “well, he seems okay now” and act as though I’m dealing with a healthy person.

And so I’ve said “I’ve had enough now,” and I have, and it’s over. I’m keeping myself busy — the festival last Saturday, meetings and ice cream/pie last night, meetings and swimming and dinner today, All About Eve at the Chicago Outdoor Film Festival tomorrow, the beach on Wednesday, volunteering at KEXP and seeing The Dark Knight on Thursday, Pitchfork this weekend. The Sex Fiend said to me yesterday, “What you have going for you is that you still have your own separate life, and you can pick up and keep being YOU.” And that is exactly what I have. With all of the disappointment and pain I am feeling today — and have felt over the past 48 hours — I can at least say that with this relationship I *did* do all of the things I was supposed to, in taking care of myself and not losing my identity and setting standards. My life is no worse off that it was before — this is a matter of my trust being violated and being hurt, not my being damaged or devastated or ruined.

I think I’ll be OK, but that doesn’t mean it hurts less.

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