old (2008), Uncategorized

honesty

If I could stop time and stay in May forever, that is exactly what I’d do. It isn’t as though the month is completely joyless — it marks the Summer Solstice, the end of the school year, my older son’s eleventh birthday, the start of road trips and weekend excursions and picnic lunches on blankets at the beach. But what it also marks is the first anniversary of being abandoned by The Narcissist, and also of making the decision to end a pregnancy with or without him.

If I could instead turn back time, that is exactly what I’d do. It isn’t as though the time I spent with The Narcissist was completely joyless — there were summer music festivals and concerts (both small and large) and parties and more than a few times when I thought I’d met my match. But in retrospect, those things were a series of deceptions (both self-imposed and presented to me with lovely wrappings), and had I listened to any one of my intuitions, there would have been no abandonment, no pregnancy, no hard decisions to make, no relationship to start or fall apart.

I can neither halt time nor rewind the clock, leaving me with no other option than to deal with the present. It isn’t as though today is completely joyless — I spent time with Rebel, ate lunch with The Green-Eyed Boy, will be getting ice cream with The Cute Carpenter in a little while, and will make my second meeting of the day this evening. But there is also an acute sadness, a deep sense of loss, that has taken up space in my soul over the past few days, and while I like to blame it on this time of year, regret over past circumstances, and resentment over things that I cannot change, the truth is that it’s just plain-old grief. The good thing: I know how to handle that, and it’s not different from staying sober: one day at a time. Namaste.

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