If I could instead turn back time, that is exactly what I’d do. It isn’t as though the time I spent with The Narcissist was completely joyless — there were summer music festivals and concerts (both small and large) and parties and more than a few times when I thought I’d met my match. But in retrospect, those things were a series of deceptions (both self-imposed and presented to me with lovely wrappings), and had I listened to any one of my intuitions, there would have been no abandonment, no pregnancy, no hard decisions to make, no relationship to start or fall apart.
I can neither halt time nor rewind the clock, leaving me with no other option than to deal with the present. It isn’t as though today is completely joyless — I spent time with Rebel, ate lunch with The Green-Eyed Boy, will be getting ice cream with The Cute Carpenter in a little while, and will make my second meeting of the day this evening. But there is also an acute sadness, a deep sense of loss, that has taken up space in my soul over the past few days, and while I like to blame it on this time of year, regret over past circumstances, and resentment over things that I cannot change, the truth is that it’s just plain-old grief. The good thing: I know how to handle that, and it’s not different from staying sober: one day at a time. Namaste.