old (2008), Uncategorized

a new freedom and a new happiness

I’m not going to pontificate about love and how great it is to (finally) be in a “normal” relationship, but it’s hard for me to continue blogging without at least mentioning how blessed I feel to have met The Green-Eyed Boy, and to say that it’s been a wonderful past few weeks. Meeting him was totally unexpected — had he not been off of work and decided to show up at meetings he normally wouldn’t have, and had I not changed my meeting schedule, we never would have met. And it’s kind of weird, but you know how everyone always says you find what you need when you stop looking, and you get what you’ve always wanted when you let go of all expectations? Well, damned if it wasn’t true.

I think about myself now vs. the me from one year ago, and I want to weep at the difference. I think back at how dysfunction and chaos were par for the course, something I thought I had to accept and tolerate in order to be with someone who said he loved me. I equated “love” with “pain” — that’s what I’d grown up with, and I’d long since come to expect that if someone said “I love you” then it was only a matter of time before the firestorm began. And I could make the choice to blame the people who hurt me, but they are only partially responsible: I was the one who sought out dysfunctional situations. I was the one who allowed them to continue. I was the one who stayed when I should have been long gone. This doesn’t mean those who hurt me are not culpable, only that I need to remember that I could have left at any time, and I did not.

Talking with The Green-Eyed Boy tonight, we both marveled at how this relationship is different from ones in our pasts. He said, “I’ve never been with a ‘normal’ woman before,” which made me laugh, because for someone to think I’m on an even keel and completely awesome and cool means I’ve made a lot of positive changes in my life. And on my end of things, I’ve never been with someone quite like him before — he is so devilishly handsome he takes my breath away every time I see him, but he also makes me laugh heartily, and he is so easy to be around, and he is also strong and masculine and I can feel safe with him in a way I’ve never fully experienced before. And when he says, “You’re my girl,” my heart does a little flutter that escapes in the softest of sighs.

Maybe I did pontificate a little bit, but give a girl a break. I’m head over heels, and I deserve a little compassion.