old (2008), Uncategorized

mother’s day

It’s Mother’s Day, and I’m a little less than a thousand miles from either of my children, which I suppose is fitting, on some level, a sort of psychic punishment for the past few years. But not really; I chatted with Rebel on the phone day, and he reminded me of his wish list of souvenirs: “real” maracas, a cowboy hat, and a stuffed animal armadillo. Several friends have called and texted me to say Happy Mother’s Day, too, and that makes it a little less lonesome. My brother is supposed to come by Tim’s house tonight so we can all watch a movie and order take-out, but I’m not expecting much. Today in a meeting I heard that our serenity is inversely proportional to our holding on to expectations, and I can honestly say this has been 100% true in my life. Rather than be disappointed, I’m planning that he won’t show up, and we’ll have a grand time with or without him.

I’m thinking of flying home early, on Monday instead of Tuesday, depending on the cost… though there is part of me that thinks doing so would be me escaping, not showing up, being a coward, not wanting to walk through fear and instead high-tailing it back to the land of comfort, distance, and disconnection. So maybe I’ll stay and call it a spiritual learning experience.

Speaking of which, it occurred to me that I might want to start going to church. Not the Catholic church of my youth — uh, no thanks — but perhaps a Unitarian church or a Buddhist temple. I’ve been doing a lot of spiritual seeking as of late, and reading a lot of spiritual writing, and I feel pulled in that direction. I don’t know that I’ve had a full-out born-again experience like Anne Lamott, but something has shifted in me — and I am still an atheist, in the sense that I do not believe in a God the Creator, but I am also discovering something in and around me that I cannot explain in any other way than to say it is divine and it is grace and it is love and it is everywhere, and I want to learn how to live a life filled with and surrounded by that.

And, oh, I miss The Green-Eyed Boy.