old (2008), Uncategorized

decisions to be made

I’m moving into a bigger apartment in a few days — right next door, in the same building, one floor up — and the plan has always been that Renegade would come live with me, Rebel would visit frequently (and continue staying over on Saturday nights), and I could settle into a slightly more, uh, normal version of motherhood. But recent conversations with Renegade lead me to believe that this may not be the best thing for him, a boy on the precipice of puberty who is terrified of losing the strong bond he has with The Philosopher. He says he wants to stay with me two or three nights each week, but continue living with The Philosopher, and I said we could all sit down this week and talk about it. I’m not opposed to the idea, and I want to do what is best for everyone involved — and, also, The Electrician is aware of the situation with The Crazy Lady, etc., and so it’s not as terrifying, the prospect of discussing with him the possibility of another man pretty much raising his son.

This is a scary thing for me — am I doing the right thing? am I acting out of his best interests? or my selfish desires for freedom from responsibility? — but I am positive being sober has put me in a position from which I can do what needs to be done for the right reasons. The thought of not officially living with either of my children is an uncomfortable one — but maybe that’s what’s meant to be. Maybe The Philosopher — as a man, as a father to boy children — can give them things they need that I cannot. And I need to remember that I am not and will not be abandoning them — I am a block away; they can come and go (mostly) as they please; I offer them a positive role model of a strong and independent woman who can be a supportive and encouraging presence in their lives. That being said, this is one of those difficult decisions that can wrench a mother’s heart.

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