old (2008), Uncategorized

twenty-five things for which i am ill-prepared

  1. Renegade has begun to wear deodorant
  2. Because he needs it, and
  3. Asked if I would buy him breath mints at Trader Joe’s,
  4. Which I did, and
  5. Recently said whatevs
  6. As though it were completely grammatical, and
  7. Purposely hung back in line at Navy Pier so he could play the fast-pitch game with two tween girls (rather than two second-graders).
  8. I have grey eyebrow hairs, and
  9. I’m paying the Eyebrow Nazi an extra $10 to dye them on Wednesday.
  10. When I am stressed or angry, my mouth looks like my mother’s did when she was thirty-four and stressed or angry, and
  11. It doesn’t look any better than it did in 1987.
  12. I’ve passed into the age range in which men with 20-year-old children are asking me out, while
  13. Most of the people I find attractive are younger, which means
  14. I may be a cougar without even intending or realizing it, and
  15. In any case, I still feel about fourteen years old when it comes to navigating anything remotely relationship-py.
  16. Rebel is a better dancer than I am, and
  17. Did a disco dance yesterday while saying, “mama, put on my funky shoes”
  18. In a Barry White-ish voice, and
  19. Gives me a look that says “how stupid are you?” when he says something in Greek that I don’t understand.
  20. Sometimes I fear that every single one of my exes is going to be engaged or married before I even have sex again.
  21. The freshman students in my classes in the fall will, on average, have been born in 1990.
  22. My “little” cousin, whom I babysat from infancy, is getting married this summer.
  23. I’m supposed to wear reading glasses now, and
  24. I actually try to pretend they make me look librarian-sexy, but
  25. They don’t.