old (2008), Uncategorized

back on the beam

1. Despite my best efforts, I didn’t make it to a meeting last night — I left in plenty of time but proceeded to get lost, since the GPS on my phone was freaking out and didn’t know what the hell it was doing or where it was taking me. And apparently no one puts addresses on buildings in Albuquerque — using ESP to find 425 University NW would have worked better than trying to find the building number using my deductive reasoning skills, so blech. I ended up pulling over into an abandoned combination car wash/motel (?) to call my sponsor, who calmed me down and pointed out that, hey, I tried to get to the meeting, right? It’s not as though I were doing what I wanted to be doing, which was listening to a Dead panel on hip vs. cool. Though I was very, very sad I missed that discussion… since I consider myself more on the hipster side than a hippie, someone should have been there to represent, right?

2. When I saw E. yesterday for the first time since last year (even though we live, like, five miles away from each other), I said, Hey, you’re looking great! and he said, So are you. Well, except for those fangs. Nice.

3. It’s interesting being here better able to examine my behavior, to make note of when I’m starting to slip in my thinking, to realize ways I can take steps to avoid putting myself in dangerous situations. And that goes for not only drinking, but also eating, spending money, interacting with the opposite sex, and work. But it was still a little difficult last night at dinner when the conversation turned toward alcohol and drinking and things like absinthe and agave wine, and it was probably a God moment that Sax Man called right when those topics were starting to wriggle up under my skin.

4. In a way I haven’t before, I really miss Chicago: my bed, my cat, my friends, my meetings, my car, my robe, my couch, my coffee maker, my microwave, my bathtub, my everything there. Whereas in the past it’s been difficult to come home, this time it will be easy. And that’s not because I’m unhappy here — no, things are just fine (though I am exhausted from a week’s worth of continual sleep deprivation) — but just that I’m ready to be in a safe place again. I feel as though I just learned how to swim and I’ve paddled out to the first sand bar, and my reaction is, OK, that was nice, now how about I head back to shore?

5. I’m starting to get a bit nervous about my nomination to speak at this big cross-town meeting happening next month. The names are picked tomorrow, and there’s a one in six chance it will be mine, and I’m feeling a bit unsure. But I also know that the universe will not give me anything I cannot handle, that it is a privilege to be nominated in the first place with less than five months of sobriety, and that I will do just fine if called upon for this task.

6. It is now time for a cat/power nap (ooh, a Cat Power Nap!) before heading to Annapurna for yummy vegan Indian food to bring with us to the house party in Placitas. I can’t wait to see the stars — they are more beautiful from Placitas than anyplace I’ve ever seen them in the world. Namaste.