old (2008), Uncategorized

i had a dream

I have this theory about my dreams: I only remember them when there is something festering in my head that I’m not dealing with consciously. Or at least that’s how it has panned out for much of the past year, and while when I was dating The Narcissist I thought that this was perhaps a sign that I was “pushing through” my issues, in retrospect I think it was more that my subconscious mind was screaming out, What the hell are you doing?!?

I didn’t make it to my regular meeting tonight, since the weather quite frankly sucks. I’d planned on going to the 8pm meeting I can walk to, but… late this afternoon, I was stricken with one of the most horrible headaches in recent memory, and so after I put the finishing touches on my newsletter (around 5:30pm) I decided to take a nap until 7pm. I set the alarm and turned off the lights and curled up with myself on the couch and proceeded to sleep… and sleep… and dream… until I woke up at exactly 8pm.

Before waking, though… I had a doozy of a dream. I don’t exactly remember its plot, but I know at some point near the end, I was in a room with a number of people. The only ones I remember are my mother and father, and there was some sort of argument about what I’d done — I think I was babysitting and was accused of something wrong? — that began with me frantically trying to defend myself and ended with me crying and saying, I’m done, I’m never going to convince you, I’m moving out, and then I woke up still crying, and I cried for some time after.

Lately, I’ve been struggling a great deal with how to handle my parents. There’s a lot of anger and resentment there — or at least there has been in the past — but being in the program has prodded me to reexamine the ways I’ve contributed to the nuggets of bad feelings I have about my parents. I’m learning how to forgive them and accept them the way they are — but it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to comprehend, this idea that (a) I might have had a part in my past disappointments — even though I was a child through most of it — and (b) I can’t force them to be people they are not. And it was just yesterday, driving home from the car dealership, that I felt a break in the dark clouds that sure made it seem as though — one day, not now — I could deal with them.

And so it’s all kind of weird, my headache and then my dream. I don’t quite know what it means, but I don’t have to know. It feels as though my body was forcing me to let out negativity — the headache, the crying — I didn’t know I was holding on to and which probably would have manifested itself in unhealthy ways had my conscious mind stayed in charge. And so I don’t feel as badly as I might otherwise have for missing a meeting today. Instead, I listened to my body.

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