I didn’t make it to my regular meeting tonight, since the weather quite frankly sucks. I’d planned on going to the 8pm meeting I can walk to, but… late this afternoon, I was stricken with one of the most horrible headaches in recent memory, and so after I put the finishing touches on my newsletter (around 5:30pm) I decided to take a nap until 7pm. I set the alarm and turned off the lights and curled up with myself on the couch and proceeded to sleep… and sleep… and dream… until I woke up at exactly 8pm.
Before waking, though… I had a doozy of a dream. I don’t exactly remember its plot, but I know at some point near the end, I was in a room with a number of people. The only ones I remember are my mother and father, and there was some sort of argument about what I’d done — I think I was babysitting and was accused of something wrong? — that began with me frantically trying to defend myself and ended with me crying and saying, I’m done, I’m never going to convince you, I’m moving out, and then I woke up still crying, and I cried for some time after.
Lately, I’ve been struggling a great deal with how to handle my parents. There’s a lot of anger and resentment there — or at least there has been in the past — but being in the program has prodded me to reexamine the ways I’ve contributed to the nuggets of bad feelings I have about my parents. I’m learning how to forgive them and accept them the way they are — but it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to comprehend, this idea that (a) I might have had a part in my past disappointments — even though I was a child through most of it — and (b) I can’t force them to be people they are not. And it was just yesterday, driving home from the car dealership, that I felt a break in the dark clouds that sure made it seem as though — one day, not now — I could deal with them.
And so it’s all kind of weird, my headache and then my dream. I don’t quite know what it means, but I don’t have to know. It feels as though my body was forcing me to let out negativity — the headache, the crying — I didn’t know I was holding on to and which probably would have manifested itself in unhealthy ways had my conscious mind stayed in charge. And so I don’t feel as badly as I might otherwise have for missing a meeting today. Instead, I listened to my body.