old (2008), Uncategorized

just doing it

For years, I avoided piercings and funky hair and additional tattoos because The Philosopher would talk about how all of those things were so unattractive and, you know, because he already didn’t think I was all that great looking, I needed all the help I can get. [Yes, indeed, we once had a conversation in which he said, Saying you are beautiful implies you are perfect, and perfection is only the things you see in magazines or Greek statues or something. I’m not kidding. But I am digressing…] I’ve been remembering just how dysfunctional he used to make me feel when I’d want to get, oh, about 0.5% more alternative looking, and I’m so glad I’m not in that relationship anymore. And, actually, I’m super grateful I’m not in any relationship right now — it’s not just the stuff with The Philosopher, but stuff it’s been my whole life with person after person… wanting to fit myself into some mold of what they wanted or expected me to be, and never feeling all that free to be myself, or even learn who I was. And, you know, I happen to think I’m the sort of person who gets piercings and tattoos and dyes her hair funky colors.

I was thinking about this in the context of other thoughts I’ve had about whom I’m “supposed” to be attracted to. In the past, it’s been guys who have been punk or had the skater look or were into heavy metal or other alternative-y things. But perhaps I wasn’t chasing those guys because those are the guys I want but, rather, because being with them would make me feel as though I could become who I wanted to be without jeopardizing affection or attraction. To which I say, today, who really cares? All I have to do is make the decision to do whatever it is that makes me ME, and I don’t have to sit around biding my time until I meet someone who embodies those characteristics so, therefore, I can finally get started being that person. There is absolutely no point sitting around waiting for other people to make my life happen, when all I need to do is take it upon myself to get off my ass and just do it. And it might well be the case that the people I find attractive in the future (or who find me attractive) look completely unlike whatever it was I thought I wanted, but who cares?

I guess what I’m doing is growing up, finding my way in the world, and learning to both express myself and accept people for who they are rather than how much they can bolster my self-esteem. Yay for me, I suppose! [And thanks to Slavegirl for coming with me for moral support at my piercing last night…]


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