old (2008), Uncategorized

this too shall pass…

It’s just one of those days where I feel all out of sorts (prolly because of the 35th anniversary of Roe v. Wade, which stirs up a whole crapload of unmanaged resentment toward people in my past), and having a sinkhole close to my ‘hood and hearing about Heath Ledger dying hasn’t helped. The latter is bothering me more than it should, actually. I keep hearing about all the people who can’t stay sober and end up dead and it’s really just an abstraction since I haven’t been around long enough to connect with anyone who ends up dead (though I’ve encountered plenty of relapse cases) and even though I don’t know Heath Ledger, it’s still disconcerting. And actually being able to mentally place where he was when he died — thanks to all my visiting of NYC — isn’t helping. This shit is real, and all the crap I’m going through today (I’ll get to that in a minute) underscores that I need to stay on top of my game, so to speak, or else I’m really going to be in a heap of trouble.

Monday, I called The Philosopher to tell him about my knee, since I’d left two messages for him on Sunday that he never returned, which — of course — annoyed me to no end, since I am the one who pays for his phone. But anyhow. I told him how I probably have a torn ligament and will be on crutches for a couple of weeks and, despite the purpose of my call being to ask him if he can walk the boys the half-block over to my apartment rather than me hobbling on crutches to go get them, before I could he said, Does this mean I can keep using your car for another two weeks? Ha ha. Anyhow. I asked if he could walk the kids over after school and he said he was very, very busy (because, you know, that half-block is a real time-consuming bitch) but he would try, and at the very least would send W. over, since W. can walk by himself. Well, 5pm came around and still no kids, so I called, and he “didn’t remember” what he’d said earlier, but sent W. over with my cane (so I could go to the play without maneuvering crutches up the aisle of The Goodman) for about three seconds, and he said he’d drop the kids off after school today.

So, then, today, 6pm rolled around and I called to see what was going on, and he basically said he had to cook the kids dinner (which, uh, I could have done HERE) and was going to call me after the kids went to bed (which, uh, would mean I STILL didn’t get to spend time with them). And then this is pretty much how the phone conversation went (in condensed form):

Me: I get the impression that it’s not all that important to you for me to spend time with the kids.

TP: No, I’m just very busy, and getting my stuff done is the first priority.

Me: Well, it would be nice if you could let me know when you won’t be able to do the things you say you’re going to be able to do.

TP: It’s not my job to keep you up to date.

Me: Uh, well, yeah, it kinda is. When normal people can’t do what they say they are going to do, they make a phone call or otherwise inform people that it’s not going to happen. It’s courteous.

TP: I’m not your lover anymore, so you can’t talk to me that way.

Me: I can’t point out that you’re doing something that’s rude and a bit unfair?

TP: Talking about what normal people do is insulting. It implies that I’m not normal.

Me: (Sigh.) Can you please just put the boys on the phone?

TP: Which one? I can’t put them both on at the same time.

Me: (Sigh.) Whichever one is closer to the phone.

Sigh. I talked with B. for a while (trying not to sob into the phone) and then W. came over to my place and we watched a documentary from the Discovery channel together, which made me extremely depressed, especially when W. said (about the polar ice caps melting), We’re all going to die by the time I’m 25 because everyone is so selfish about their cars and not wanting to take the bus and continuing to eat animals and he got really upset and all I could really do was mumble something about Well, scientists have a way of figuring things out and at least WE aren’t driving Hummers and eating steak, right? As if the universe, when it collapses, will be able to sense which people contributed more or less to the impending doom and spare the virtuous. But it reminds me of a quotation I saw recently — which, of course, is now imprecise and probably wrong in my head — that said something like Only knowing we can change a little bit isn’t cause for doing nothing and, well, that HAS to be good enough for today because otherwise my head is going to explode and I’m right there back on that path that takes me to wherever Heath Ledger is right now.

So I went to a meeting tonight, and then I went to Target and bought pink mixing bowls and some other kitchen stuff plus cat food and a huge soy cheese pizza (which I am of course going to eat ALL BY MYSELF in about 11 minutes, when it’s done cooking) and pink sheer curtains (on clearance!) for the doorway between my living area and my kitchen (since I’ve decided the beaded curtains can wait until I get back into the house) and a picture frame and oh, who knows what else… just a lot of little things that I needed but, of course, I forgot the Bayer migraine relief pain killer stuff, and now my headache won’t go away. Time, I suppose, to pray for some relief. Because I know this will pass if I just allow it to do so by getting out of my own way. Namaste.