old (2008), Uncategorized

progress, praise, and a bruised ego thigh

1. I may be done with therapy soon. It seems as though I’ve met most of the goals we set, which included developing a healthy sense of self-esteem, learning how to speak up for myself, discovering how to set (and maintain) boundaries, finding value and serenity from within (rather than seeking someone else to complete or fix me), and figuring out how to stop obsessing about, controlling, and managing everything in the world except myself. Of course, being me, I said, Maybe this is because of the antidepressants, and my therapist said, You do realize that there are people who are on Prozac for ten years and haven’t made the progress you’ve made in four months, right? Well, no, actually, I didn’t. But thanks, doc, for forcing me to take responsibility — and, uh, credit — for what I’ve done since September. And that happy feeling I talked about a little while back? It’s coming every day now, most all the time. It feels so miraculous that, well, I think it’s a bit of a miracle. But the thought of stopping therapy is a little scary — duh..what else is new? — and so we’re going to just think about it for now and give it a month or so. But the idea that I could completely transform myself into a new and improved and healthy person within the course of a fiscal quarter is a bit astonishing in any case.

2. And school started up today, where I ran into C. and J. and N. Of those people, N. and J. knew I’d stopped drinking and entered the program. J.’s response had been Say it ain’t so! and I haven’t heard from him much since then. I think N. is curious for his own personal reasons, but meanwhile he’s tolerant and supportive of my efforts…. but C. didn’t know; she just knows I stopped going to the bar where she works and it’s been months since she’s seen me. Today she said, It’s been forever since I’ve seen you! and I said, Yeah, I stopped drinking. Her response — which was AWESOME — was, Oh, that must be why you look so healthy and beautiful and fabulous. That was so great to hear… it’s not like I don’t feel a million times better — and I know it must show to some extent, too, because I’m attracting healthy people for the first time in my life — but to hear it from someone who hasn’t seen me for four months and notices a difference… well, that was nice.

3. I have a bruise the size of a football on my thigh, thanks to some stupid maneuvering at The Hideout last night. I’d climbed up on the bar to get a better view, not realizing it wasn’t all that sturdy, so Katie came by to ask me to get down about half-way through, and while getting down I whacked my thigh on the bar… and I had to ice it down when I got home last night, and it’s still so tender that it hurts when I walk. And it’s huge… when W. saw it today after I got out of the shower, he shrieked, What the hell is that on your leg? Thanks, son. I’ll remember this after you end up in your first mosh pit and someone gives you a black eye. I’ll make sure to recoil in horror… it feels real good.

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