old (2007), Uncategorized

wednesday’s child is full of woe

OK, so I was born on a Sunday, which means I’m supposed to be “bonny and blithe and good and gay” but I’m just not feelin’ it today. Some random thoughts:

1. I woke up at 7:30am to what smelled like rancid tuna. At first, I thought maybe W. hid a sandwich behind the radiator (he has a tendency of doing this when he doesn’t like what food’s been served to him, though we obviously don’t do tuna…) but after a thorough examination of all hiding spots in my apartment, I think the neighbors are just cooking up some nasty food. I lit some incense and now it smells like vanilla tuna fish. I think it was better before.

2. Even though my cat and I have a love-hate relationship during the waking hours, when I’m in bed, I love her. She either sleeps on a pillow right next to mine or goes to lie down on or against my legs. There’s just something about a warm fluffy creature so close at such a cozy time that is comforting.

3. Today is my 90 days. The last 36 minutes of Day 89 and first 34 minutes of Day 90 were spent on the phone with W., who cut short his Scene It game in Denver to talk me off my proverbial ledge. It was a nasty night yesterday. I know I shouldn’t be upset, but someone with 13 years of sobriety said he’d see a movie with me and then decided not to go at the last minute… and he did chat with me a bit on Google chat, but I was in a really, really bad place (I was sobbing and in a fetal position on my floor for the better part of an hour) and if it were me I totally would have put aside my own feelings and just gone to see the damn movie to help a newcomer make it through the night. [And I probably would have recommended that the newcomer NOT go see a movie that would trigger lots of pregnancy-related issues…] But anyhow. The 13-year-sober guy didn’t go and I went alone (which ended up being preferable, actually), but I texted W. and M. before and during the movie, and when I got back I called W. and he recited “How it Works” to me (pretty much from memory, with a bit of prompting on my end, since I had the Big Book with me and he didn’t) and by the end of the phone call I no longer felt as though throwing myself off of the State Street bridge would be an excellent solution to all of my problems. Thanks, W.

4. After the meeting tonight, I’ll have gone to 67 meetings in 90 days. Progress, not perfection, right?

5. I’m grateful to A. for letting me stop by her house last night. She didn’t have to, and it was helpful.

6. Prayer is an interesting thing. As is meditation. And speaking of which, I’ll be joining my brother in March for his now-annual week-long soul-searching trek through the mountains. I’m an anxious hiker and a nervous camper, but I trust that he’ll teach me what I need to know. [He was an Eagle Scout, so that has to count for something, no?] And who wouldn’t pass up the chance to find some spiritual healing? Not me, that’s who.