2. I always forget how much I love parties until I throw one and it ends too soon. I do believe I’ll host a dinner party within the next few weeks… those are easy. And I never was able to have them when A. and I were together — he hated having people over for any reason. When I threw my head-shaving party before brain surgery, he made sure he had other plans that night.
3. The past couple of days, I’ve come closer to relapsing than at any other time since I got sober. I’ll have 90 days on Wednesday. Maybe. I was always so certain, before, that relapsing was something other people did but not really an issue for me. I don’t have any plans to drink today, but I don’t really know. I’ve been thrown off track pretty far the past few days, and I’m realizing just how easy it would be to make one wrong turn and wake up a few hours or days or weeks later wondering what the heck had happened. I need to get back to daily meetings, at least until school starts up again in mid-January, and back to putting my sobriety in the No. 1 position in my life.
4. I’m going to see The Golden Compass with W. today, and V. is joining us. It will be the last full day I’m with him until after the new year, since his dad is coming to get him in the morning and keeping him through January 1st. But it will be a good break for us both… with me working from home and him going to school from home, we see each other way more than either one of us really would prefer.
5. Sometimes I don’t really know what to do with B. I bought him this game for ages eight and up for Winter Solstice and it was too easy for him. But games that are for ages ten or twelve and up require a much greater attention span than he possesses. It’s frustrating. Maybe he’ll outgrow this with age. But I don’t know. Maybe he’ll just learn to find things easy enough to demonstrate his brilliance and avoid complications. Sounds familiar.
6. I know things are off-kilter when I start dreaming again. My dreams have always been huge freakin’ neon signs that I need to make immediate changes in my life. Last night, I had a few, and three were notable: one about being stuck in either San Antonio or Austin (it kept changing) with the boys and (sometimes) my mother and A. was supposed to join us on the bus ride so we could “talk” about custody issues but then he kept forgetting how to get on the bus and it would leave without him; one in which random unknown-to-me men were calling me asking me out on dates and I kept having to say I am not ready, please leave me alone; and one in which I drank a glass of wine with dinner and it was only afterwards when I was walking back to the “L” that I realized I’d had a drink and, therefore, wouldn’t be able to get my 90-day coin. I think that pretty much sums up the state of my life right now.
7. Saving Silverman is a pretty dumb movie, but it passes the time when you’re procrastinating about answering e-mail, taking a shower, eating breakfast, getting dressed, and, uh, working.