old (2007), Uncategorized

a five-syllable word for ‘sloth’

1. If you haven’t heard about Paul Janka, where have you been? At least now I know that if a guy insists on drinks instead of dinner, starts to play Looney Tunes music, sends me a horribly written pseudo-erotic letter that refers to his penis as a warm muscle, or admits he’s the author of a treatise entitled How to Get Laid in New York, I’m dealing with America’s Next Top Douchebag.

2. After seeing Lars and the Real Girl, I’ve been fascinated by the degree of dysfunction that must exist for someone to want to spend $6,000 on a, uh, doll. I am especially humored by the photos of the male doll (“Charlie”) on the Real Doll website. If you’re going to pose a doll in positions meant to be attractive to women, what’s up with the guy sitting on the couch holding a beer and a remote control? And who wants to see a guy in a bathtub with his penis sticking up out of the bubbles? You’d think they’d pose the guy in scenes more like the ones from this website, which tickles my fancy quite nicely. And if you feel like cringing today, check out the Letters section on the Real Doll site, or the FAQ. But don’t say I didn’t warn you that you might need to take a shower afterward. And not in the cold-shower kind of way, but in the I feel like I have to throw up sort of way.

3. This seems, so far, to be a sex-related blog posting… which is odd, since my life is sex-free until March. I hope I’m not living vicariously through New York assholes and nerds with way too much time (and money) on their hands. Because that would be a shame. I will say, though, that celibacy is a bit more exciting than I thought it would be. I feel as though I’m 14 and playing the Does THIS count as sex? game again. (Hint: If you’re asking the question, the answer is probably Yes.)

4. Completely not sex-related: the more I work the program, the easier life gets. Talking with W. over dinner last night, we were sharing the drama of past relationships and how — in sobriety — that intensity loses its appeal. A couple of weeks ago, The Perfect Veg*n Guy said something like It’s so easy to be with you, and that feeling is absolutely mutual. I think back to how difficult things were with D. and how our relationship was one battle after another… and there were, I suppose, some positive aspects of that, the least of which was being with someone who made living on the edge feel less, well, edgy, but in retrospect it was never fun. It’s weird and new and slightly anxiety-producing to enter into a relationship with someone who is officially 100% drama free — but it’s also very, very nice. And even a bit yummy. [Yes, I do use that word a bit…]

5. I keep getting e-mails at work announcing that Rudy Guiliani is visiting the company’s HQ today. And, oh, I’m invited to watch a live webcast of the much-lauded visit. Of course, when I click on the link, I get a message saying I am FORBIDDEN from accessing the site. But that’s okay. I’d probably just want to throw my laptop out the window if I were to see Rudy Guiliani live on my screen.

6. I’m really loving the 15 Years in 15 Days thing Q101 is doing from now until New Year’s Eve. And this isn’t only because I actually remember listening to the radio the very first day Q101 went on the air. At the time, I drove a 1991 navy blue Ford Escort, lived at Belmont and Lake Shore Drive, was still working at my “unmentionable” job, and spent most weekends getting drunk and avoiding coke whores begging for lines in the bathrooms of seedy bars in Stone Park. Maybe what I really like about this musical walk down memory lane is realizing how blessed I am to be where I am today. I’m willing to bet 98% of the people I hung out with back then are either dead or in jail. I know I surely would be if I hadn’t walked away from that scene… and even then it was only because of an unspeakably violent and tragic event — it wasn’t even my own will that did it. Talking to people about it now, they use the word courage but that’s not accurate; it was simply nothing else to do because I’d been hurt so badly.

7. In case you’re wondering, the word is procrastination.

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