old (2007), Uncategorized

hypothetically speaking

The only thing worse than finding out your 10-year-old son needs glasses is arguing with him about which frames to get before begrudgingly accepting that he will never be as trendy as you’d like him to be and so the neat retro frames will remain on the shelf and, instead, you’ll be the grandmother of a rather conservative pair of wire-framed glasses. And the only thing worse than accepting your son is a nerd is finding out you need reading glasses.

And even if you don’t go to the eye doctor, let’s say you go to a diner and order a veggie burger extra well done because you dislike soggy veggie burgers, but the waitress or the cook (or both) ignores your request and serves you a soggy veggie burger anyhow. And after the diner, you walk outside with your two children, ages five and ten, to see the #11 Lincoln Avenue bus rolling past, and you cross the street and wait 20 minutes for the next bus before you think to yourself, Well, it’s only a little more than a mile, and so you start walking that “little over a mile” and it’s only a couple of blocks before your feet are soaked from all the sleet and your kids’ lips are turning blue but you decide that even if the bus were to miraculously come (and it never does) you would definitely not get on, since that would admit that it was a stupid idea to start walking in the first place (though it was).

But let’s say that you don’t go to the eye doctor and you don’t go to the diner and you don’t walk 1.23 miles in rain, sleet, and snow, and all you do do is bring your kids back to your ex’s place — you know, the apartment for which you pay half the rent but his girlfriend’s pretty much moved into — and you get in a screaming match with your ex on the stoop. Well, the only thing worse than even that would be if you were to walk out on him after poking his chest with your finger and he were to follow you down the street screaming at you until you were at least 100 yards away.

Not that anything like that’s happened to me today.