old (2007), Uncategorized

Week of Poems: Day Seven

My patience was tested yesterday. I have this student who’s missed a good third of the classes and therefore is never there when I hand things back and so she’s spent the entire semester doing things incorrectly and when she said, I’ve had family problems and had the stomach flu and I think you should give me a better grade even though I never mentioned this before today, I just couldn’t muster any compassion at all and said, I had two babies in the middle of semesters and had a brain tumor and brain surgery and came back to school with staples in my head and having seizures and using a cane, so you are most definitely talking to the wrong teacher today. And I felt bad about the whole thing later, but how can I possibly help people who don’t even want to help themselves?


I dyed my hair. It’s now very, very red. I still need to deep-condition it, since the process involved bleaching and lots of stress on my hair, but it should be back to “normal” within a couple of days. I like it a bunch, though. Yay!


I was chatting with A. on Gmail and explaining to her how I think a lot about the scene in I Heart Huckabees where they’re hitting each other in the face with a ball, stunning themselves into pure being in order to truly inhabit The Now. Laughing with friends is like that. Or having good sex, or getting a nice back rub. Or being in a tickle fight, skipping in the snow, dancing with your children, and a million other things where self-consciousness melts away and it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks or that you might have a funny look on your face or that someone else thinks you’re being too weird or too silly or too anything. I want to have more moments like that, and since I’ve been sober I’ve been finding them more and more. Tonight, the boys and I are scooting away the furniture and having an official Dance Party, just the three of us. It never even would have occurred to me to do something so silly and frivolous two months ago, and today the prospect excites me so much I’ve got tears in my eyes. All my life… I’ve been searching for people and things to take me away from and out of myself, when all I’ve ever needed is inside me, just waiting to be let out. And in that regard… here’s a poem from Aline Murray Kilmer, whose grand-daughter I had the pleasuring of meeting (online) a few years ago after I found this verse and loved it so very much.

An Apology
I’m sorry you are wiser
I’m sorry you are taller
I liked you better foolish
And I liked you better smaller

I’m sorry that you believe all you’re told
I’m sorry you always think I am lying
I liked you better when what they said didn’t matter
I even liked you better when you were crying

I’m sorry you hate all the things I do
And always put the blame on me
But I guess I should’ve seen that coming
It’s too late now; shame on me

And now I want to say I’m sorry
For being like this these past few days
I’m sorry for hurting you so
With all my unkindly ways

And now, both of us must admit
Why were we on the brink of a war?
When both you and I knew
These things weren’t even worth fighting for

But finally, most importantly
I’ll do whatever it takes
To make you open your heart to me
And forgive all of my mistakes


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