I suppose it’s not entirely unexpected, but I’ve been getting a fair amount of attention lately. And it’s not that I’m not flattered or ungrateful or even offended… but it’s more like I don’t quite know what to do with it. Walking home from the bus tonight after the meeting & the dinner, I started to have that wanting-something feeling for the first time in weeks, but I don’t entirely know what it is I want. There was a guy tonight at the meeting who was flirting and at first I — automatically, without even thinking — played along. It was like a reflex, something I did before I could even stop myself. And even after I did stop myself… well, it was as though a switch were turned on and now I’m left with a certain emptiness I don’t recall having before.
On top of this, I think I saw a ghost this afternoon. It was the strangest thing. I opened my front door and saw (who I thought was) my cat run out at my feet and into the stairwell. And then when I put my bags down to look for her, she was asleep on my couch, startled by my coming in. I spent ten minutes looking for a cat in the stairwell before I figured it was just my imagination. But since then — and since everything tonight — I just feel all different, as though something dark has left me and something confusing and chaotic and rainbow-colored has taken its place.
While I imagine this means I’m due for a spiritual growth spurt, I don’t like it one bit. I want things to be like they were before: when I knew what to do and when, how to respond to people, how to interact with men, how to be fun, how to be ME. And that’s really the thing: I don’t even know who I am anymore.