old (2007), Uncategorized

touching the void

Back to being nine — or eleven, or thirteen… any time between the point when sex was something mysterious and magical, something older girls talked about with a mixture of pride and fear, something you wondered about a heck of a lot but never really could understand and the first time you actually saw a boy (or man) naked and thought to yourself, Uh, yeah. So THIS is what all the fuss was about… But before you figured it all out (or started to, anyhow, since none of us ever really figure it out entirely) it was confusing… there were all these feelings and urges that you didn’t quite know how to sate because you didn’t quite, yet, realize how angst and sexual longing feel almost exactly the same.

I suppose it’s not entirely unexpected, but I’ve been getting a fair amount of attention lately. And it’s not that I’m not flattered or ungrateful or even offended… but it’s more like I don’t quite know what to do with it. Walking home from the bus tonight after the meeting & the dinner, I started to have that wanting-something feeling for the first time in weeks, but I don’t entirely know what it is I want. There was a guy tonight at the meeting who was flirting and at first I — automatically, without even thinking — played along. It was like a reflex, something I did before I could even stop myself. And even after I did stop myself… well, it was as though a switch were turned on and now I’m left with a certain emptiness I don’t recall having before.

On top of this, I think I saw a ghost this afternoon. It was the strangest thing. I opened my front door and saw (who I thought was) my cat run out at my feet and into the stairwell. And then when I put my bags down to look for her, she was asleep on my couch, startled by my coming in. I spent ten minutes looking for a cat in the stairwell before I figured it was just my imagination. But since then — and since everything tonight — I just feel all different, as though something dark has left me and something confusing and chaotic and rainbow-colored has taken its place.

While I imagine this means I’m due for a spiritual growth spurt, I don’t like it one bit. I want things to be like they were before: when I knew what to do and when, how to respond to people, how to interact with men, how to be fun, how to be ME. And that’s really the thing: I don’t even know who I am anymore.