- The weather tonight was horrid for being in the park.
- I almost got run over (twice) today.
- There are only 24 hours in a day.
- I need more than three hours of sleep per night.
- There’s too much work to do.
- I have to grade 54 papers by 11am tomorrow.
- Tomorrow’s lesson plan is yet unwritten.
- This whole twisted situation with A. and W. is becoming intolerable, making me want to be three years old again, at which point throwing a temper tantrum and throwing things would be perfectly acceptable.
- Paying $1400 a month in rent and still living in a studio apartment because A. (so far) makes all kinds of excuses not to leave the house.
- Making payments on a car I drive maybe 10% of the time.
- My cat just bit me on my elbow.
- W. lied to me about his history work.
- My neighbor is having really loud sex right now.
- Someone across the courtyard is blasting Latino music.
- I’m 34 years old and I’m still in transition to adulthood.
- I make more money than 78% of the population but live paycheck to paycheck.
- I’m on the way to eating my third chocolate bar of the day.
- My landlord hasn’t turned the heat on yet.
- I have to take the train to Wheaton (aka hell) on Friday.
- I’m hungry and don’t want to cook but also don’t feel like spending money on pizza delivery.
OK. Pause. Relax. Take a deep breath. Make a gratitude list. Pray. (All the things L. would tell me if she were here to whack me upside the head, which she probably wouldn’t do anyhow because she’s not like me in that way, or at least she hasn’t presented herself to be that way as of yet.)
But… I don’t want to write a fucking prayer or a gratitude list. I want to revert to three-year-old behavior and throw things. Which I could do, if there were anything left in this room to throw on a whim. But no… I had to be all responsible and clean my fucking apartment and there is nothing left to hurl, unless you count my laptop, and I’m not so angry and irrational that I’d do that (though I do have one of those Dell warranties that covers EVERYTHING that can possibly go wrong, including spilling coffee on my keyboard and, I imagine, getting angry and stomping up and down on the darn thing).
But… because I know L. reads this blog & I’ll hear about it if I leave now, with the urge to destroy shit, I’ll do it… though I want to make it clear that I do not want to do this in the least. In fact, I’d rather run naked down Wilson Avenue right now than write a gratitude list or a prayer, but since that would involve leaving my apartment, that’s not going to happen, either.
I am grateful for/that…
- M. continues to be my best cheerleader.
- I did not get run over today.
- I was able to be honest today at Target, when the cashier didn’t charge me for something, and I pointed it out to her.
- I ate dinner with the boys for the 3rd night in a row.
- L., J., A., M., and possibly V. are going to celebrate my 30-days with me on Friday.
- I did not drink today.
- I was able to see M. and M. at the park for half an hour before it got too cold to stay.
- My apartment is still clean.
- I am able to get by on much less sleep than other people when necessary.
- I have the kind of class where I can show videos and discuss them when I can’t come up with a lesson plan that I like.
- Vegan chocolate bars are plentiful.
- I have a place to live.
- I have groceries in the house.
- My landlord allows me to pay rent late all the time and never charges me a late fee.
- I can usually work at home in my pajamas if I want.
- L. and A. for telling me I’m doing a good job, even when it feels like I’m failing miserably.
- I have an electric blanket.
- I can choose whether to stay up late tonight or tomorrow.
- I will be able to go to a meeting tomorrow.
- I am healthy and tumor-free.
With that, I’m off to make something to eat, take a bath, and make darn good use of my god-box this evening. Namaste.